Freelance Writing Fears

In this journey to find income “on-the-go” so that I will be able to pay expenses while I sail around the world, freelancing keeps coming up as a possibility.

I keep going to the submission pages of various online publications, but I have yet to actually put my work in the mix. Here’s where I examine the reason(s).

“I am not good enough.”

This is the main thing that I think when I look into freelance gigs.

I read the things that are already on the blogs that I hope to submit to and I feel shipwrecked by the raw power of the emotional stories. I feel decidedly somber and stiff in the wake of the light-hearted comedic pieces.

In short, I am not funny enough to write comedy and I have not been broken into small enough shards to write the deep stories.

“My story is too small.”

When I am telling small snippets of my life, people always tell me I should write a memoir.

When I read other people’s stories, I don’t feel damaged enough to be interesting. Nothing in my life seems enough.

The abuse my mother endured at the hand of my step-father isn’t enough. Having to witness the drug addiction and alcoholism of this same man isn’t enough.

I was not molested as a child. The discipline I received from my mother was harsh and could be construed as extreme, but I am the adult I have become in large part due to her hand (and belt, and fly swatter, etc).

My time as a devout Christian virgin saving myself for marriage in my 20s seems trite. The times I would go out of state on a whim with guys I barely met don’t have that hollywood road trip movie pace.

Even the time “no” didn’t mean no I feel the weight and burden of my part in my own harm. (It’s been over a decade and I still find the world “rape” hard to say or even type.) Even this is not enough to write about.

I force myself to do it anyways.

I look into my own life to find something that I could write 800 words about. I will write my life’s story from beginning to end in small doses hoping to find something that makes an impact.

I have read other’s stories and been moved and even helped. This makes me feel a responsibility to share my life in the hopes someone else will be helped as well.

I may never get paid for my writing, but I will write nonetheless.

Thanks for reading!
~ Niccolea

Are you a freelance writer? What was your experience starting out? Or, if you are just starting out, what has your experience been so far? Let me know in the comments!

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